Today is Mother's Day.
Here is where I am with mothering.
Each day is full of a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I find myself completely proud and enchanted by them or one of them in one moment. And the next I find myself cursing them. If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be cleaning up this quinoa from EVERY SURFACE, or wiping the quinoa poop from the toddler's butt (I do not suggest examining your poop after some good quinoa consumption...ew), or having my book mark pulled out of my book, or doing so many loads of laundry or, or, or...
And I am so grateful to be a mother. I am so grateful for the professional work that I have had the opportunity to do (mainly in my teens and twenties). But I am having extreme difficulty reconciling the gifts and talents I have been given (tremendous, thanks be) with how I am spending my time. I don't know if it is possible for me to feel content and comfortable with this time I am spending going to Target, Trader Joes, making the same meals over and over and over again, finding joy in the fact that I worked out today, that coke comes in mini cans, that I can eat peanut butter again. I spend large parts of my day dreaming about another life, something else, something more.
I spend a lot of time feeling selfish. I want. I want. I wish.
I am so proud of my husband. He is everything to so very many people. He never stops. He doesn't fight depression. He goes and goes and goes. He is blessed, so we are blessed. It is family blessings. All of it shared. He gives us so much. We want, he gives. He provides. He solves the problems, builds the dreams. And he will say we have done it together, and we have. He continues to progress and grow and change and climb and climb. And I have difficulty watching this happen and wondering what I could achieve. What could be?
I know that these children are my achievement. I don't take the responsibility lightly and I am not throwing it away, but it is a constant cloud following me around--what if? what if?
So I am in a weird, conflicted place. I received a blessing this past weekend and the words: Frustration and Joy were used in the same sentence. And that is exactly what it is. I am so frustrated. I just want to be using my talents. My family is complete, I am out of my latest bout with depression, I want to get out there and do what I do...but I have made this choice and I also want to see THIS through. But it's not sexy, it's not applause, it's not hair and makeup. It's spaghetti and all-purpose cleaner, and saturday nights at pep boys because the battery I just replaced is a lemon, and listening and hugging and cheering and organizing. And it's exhausting most of the time and exhilarating here and there.
Today on Mother's Day my family left me alone. And that's really all I want right now. A little space. A little me time. And that's probably the wrong thing to feel, but that is what I feel today on this Mother's Day, 2016.