Monday, March 14, 2016

Radio Silence

I read an article recently of an author who didn't post photos of her child on her social media accounts to respect her privacy.  The article was not about protecting children, that was just a sidenote fact.

Obviously I have not lived by this standard. I have been very open about my family since forever.  I have listened to people caution about the sharing of personal photos etc. online  I have made attempts to use pseudonyms and keep the every day comings and goings of my children private to protect them. I have insisted their images not be used on school websites and turned down many offers of that in order to keep them safe.

Ever since I read that article I have been thinking a lot about it.  My older girls know I post plenty to social media and they will ask that I not use certain images or videos of them. Of course I respect that. I check in with them and we have conversations about it. I feel like we are all on the same page about it, so I feel I am respecting their wishes.  I hope they don't go to therapy some day and discuss their mother posting things that were embarrassing or inappropriate or concerning to them.

The irrational fear/anxiety part of my personality is starting to talk to me, telling me that it's time to shut it all down.  I have a small fear of strangers, stalkers, cyber predators...and I am feeling a nudge about it right now.  It could be that I am watching too much dateline or listening to crazy rape stories on This American Life influencing my thoughts. It could be a gut feeling or a mother's instinct. Whatever it is, I am trying to leave space to let it filter through so that I can make some decisions about my online behavior.  

More than that, however, is a new awareness that has come to my attention.  The other day in class, O's teacher brought up her computer on the smart board.  Youtube was the homepage and a glass posse video was on the suggested video page.  I don't think O was embarrassed, but she was a little surprised. I think it was one of the first times she realized that anyone can watch these videos on the internet, including her teacher, her classmates.  I know her music teacher watches youtube and has seen ours and Samika videos among others.

I have received comments on my instagram feed from D's classmates and seen them make fun of me on group chats.  I, of course, could care less what virtually anyone thinks of me and my activity online. However, I don't want my daughters to feel alienated or embarrassed because I have an online presence, even though I don't think there is anything to be embarrassed about.

Of course I have thought about all of this before, but for some reason I am feeling exposed right now. I don't feel regret for my transparency. I know it has helped me to be open and to share about my life with the world. I know it has helped others. The letters and comments and emails I have received have meant a lot to me, and in some ways are a big motivator to keep sharing the ups and downs of my life.  

I haven't posted a video in several days. I am just sitting on this feeling, these thoughts, trying to work out how to take the next step.  Last week I never would have predicted that this week I would feel this way.  Being a Mom is the hardest job I have ever had.  I make mistakes all the time.  Suddenly I have this feeling that I am at a fork in the road, that I need to take a different path in the name of being a good Mom.

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing...I can understand and I have and do encourage all mothers to follow their mothering instincts. I feel that whenever I have/do, I haven't ever been sorry I did.
    On the other note, I do hope your mothering instincts tell you that you can go back to daily vlogging because I really do enjoy them/you... This you tube vlogging is an interesting new entertainment media isn't it. I was so surprised how excited I became when I met your mother. I have met celebrities and even had my own 15 minutes of fame on television and the stage, but this was different. With that I would think there is and will continue to be a big learning curve. Whatever you choose to do, Please know I wish you and your family the very best. <3 Grandmarmie

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  2. Dear Kristy, Thanks for sharing I was wondering what had happened to your vlog. I love when you write though, you share some very common motherly + nyc + actor + family feelings, experiences, struggles, accomplishments and yes your sweet family that we grew to love and enjoy watching on our screens.
    Reading your posts makes me feel like oh my it is all ok, we all go through this and it is sweet to watch your videos. It has become a dear 5 minutes of our day!
    I hope your channel stays on but of course we understand if it doesn't and you should know it will be greatly missed!
    I do understand the feeling and questioning of what is right or wrong specially for our kids, their exposure and all the new things we need to learn and protect them from with this open internet access.
    wishing you the best always!

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  3. Kristy, Not sure you will remember me, but we have met a couple of times at your ward when I have visited my sister. I started reading your blog shortly after I met you the first time...and I have loved it. I have a list of blogs that I check in with once a week or so. My favorite moms..the ones I aspire to be...the ones that keep me going...the ones I can learn from. Sometimes I get behind and go back through old posts and that was what I was doing today when I discovered this post, and your post on Mother's day. I just want you to know that what you are doing is meaningful...that you are touching other's lives...that you are impressive and amazing, and that I am grateful for your honesty and your candor. Thank you for giving us this little light into your world.

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    1. Thank you for this LeAnn. What a great way to begin Monday.

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