I love newborns. I love babies. I have never been happier than those first magical moments of life and babies and nursing and all of it. I do not relate to women who are experiencing post partum depression or any other hardships during this time. I don't relate so much, that I sometimes don't even believe it is possible that a woman could go through a difficult time having just experienced this miracle.
I hear Mothers say things like: I hate the newborn stage, I love them when they can talk, teenagers are my favorite etc.
Well my favorite stage is the beginning. Hands down. That is never going to change. The feelings I experienced during those first moments feel like distant memories. I am constantly trying to dig them up to use them as the filter through which I experience everything else.
When it feels harder than I can bear, I literally try to flash back to those first helpless beautiful moments--to remind myself how I felt.
I totally understand women who want more and more babies. Thankfully I am far enough into this to know that it has to end at some point. And it is painful. It will never not be painful, the end part. And the rest of the journey so very much pain. More pain than anything else.
And there is joy too. And so many times it is both at the same time. It is pain in one child, joy in the other, both for another. It's joy 15 minutes ago and now we are in pain and it's back and forth and up and down and sideways, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
And I am fairly confident it is going to feel this way for years to come. I am also confident it is going to end LIKE THAT and IN A FLASH. Even as I am wishing this away I am, at the same time, 50 years old looking back and smiling and shedding a tear. I am proud of myself for getting through it and partly wishing I was still in it. And I am 36 wanting nothing more to be 50. ALL AT ONCE.
And writing this brings a tear, because I know I can't have this overwhelming joy without this overwhelming pain. And I can't fix it and I can't change who was given to me as my companions through this journey.
And I hear the Sisters chatting way past their bedtime and I want to tell them to go to sleep and to keep talking all night ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And I want to be alone and with them all up in my business, SIMULTANEOUSLY. And I want to dream a selfish dream, but THEY are my dream. So I feel completely overwhelmed and completely balanced and alive and like its all enough and too much and beautiful and horrible. And all the Trader Joe's Peppermint Pretzel Slims in the world can't make it any different.