Thursday, May 28, 2015
Third Person Thursday
She had been trying and praying and thinking and living in it for so long. When she took to her knees she felt very little, almost the opposite of something-- a phrase-- "a stupor of thought" came to mind. [ "But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought" Doctrine & Covenants 9:9] She had had a miscarriage. Lately she had had moments with Pickle reminding her that she indeed was a miracle, a gift for her to be able to be okay with only 3. To remind her what she truly felt about those growing girls in front of her.
So many experiences pointing to this, to it, to the end of an era.
A pattern in her life: she prays and ponders and sits on something or a turning point, a fork in the road. She waits. She is patient, and then suddenly one day the answer.
So many times it's on the train, or while walking...it is always in public.
She is an urbanite, she thrives there, it is her place and her people and so it is natural that the most profound answers come in that environment. This is a testimony builder. She feels known. She knows He knows her and where she has to be to hear.
And there it was: She had been spending so much time on a non-existent baby, and instead she needed to spend time on the babies she already has. She remembers that the adult body sharing space with her is actually her baby. She sees that it's a crucial time, 5 short years to do the rest of her job right. 5 years to dedicate, focus, shape, build, teach, influence, direct, sympathize, encourage, create, inspire, prepare, commit, design, embrace, laugh, mourn.
This is the hard part. This is the part that does not come naturally, that will take work and focus. This is the part. This is where she will need all of her strength and the strength of angels and of Him. Suddenly she is here. She's here and it's time and it feels like that time when she was running the longest distance she had ever run and didn't realize how close she was to the finish line. She turned the corner and surprisingly and suddenly it was right there. And when she saw it she cried and smiled and felt so much pain and fatigue and she had no choice but to keep going and to find that last bit of strength to cross the finish line. She feels the same way right now. Spent....and How?...and there is so much at stake and How?
And as she takes it all in and realizes it all, she also realizes this: all along she was stalling. She was distracting herself, preparing for the fatigue and strength needed to bring a new life into this world, when really all of that preparation was for another. It was for her. And she did it once 13 years ago, and she will do it again. And she is worth it. She is her baby.