Thursday, February 19, 2015

Third Person Thursday

On her fingers, she counted to 7. She had never tried for a baby that long. Granted, she had never miscarried before either, and she wasn't sure how long a uterus needs to reset, though she was as regular as she had ever been in her life, ever.  Even the month of the miscarriage after bleeding for weeks, she had just a few days respite when on day 28--the blood was back.

She found this website called THE 2 WEEK WAIT.  "YES!", she thought. She also paused and examined that punctuation just now, oh well.  YES! 2 WEEK WAIT. For the past 7 cycles she had been measuring her life in increments of 2 weeks.  2 weeks until she would try, 2 weeks until she knew. Repeat.

Maybe she should take folic acid. Maybe she should stop using her nasacort.  Maybe she shouldn't sign up for that half marathon. Maybe she shouldn't buy those pants.  Maybe she shouldn't get that dental x-ray.

Just in case.

The days would tick up, 22, 23, 24. Wait, was that a wave of nausea? Did she pee twice in an hour? Why did every single super bowl commercial make her cry? Why did her nose suddenly start bleeding?  Were these signs? 25, 26, 27.....28! Start over again.

She knew she was ovulating, she knew she was timing everything right.  She knew that she could get pregnant for goodness sake, but the waiting, waiting, waiting, not knowing, not being able to plan.

She felt down, depressed, flailing.  She felt stuck too.

She resolved to take a break. It's the last thing she should do given her age, and her husband's age, and the gap between children ever expanding, but as soon as she made the choice she felt...

Free.

In Control.

Joyful.

Expansive.

Creative.

Energized.

Motivated.

The 2 Week Wait felt like prison.  She knows that if she had had to endure this wait with her previous children, she might not have had any.  She loves loves loves babies and creating life, but there is so much more she wants to think about, try for, do.  

She can't get swallowed up in this period of infertility.  She just can't endure it...she feels like water in a tub, about to get sucked down into that vortex which leads, where?  

Sorry, she can't tell you where, because she's staying put.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Hits so close as I go through this two week wait over and over again. Maybe these two weeks will be it. I'm not ready to be free from it.

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  2. I know that website. While it can offer some advice and tips it can turn you into a crazy obsessive person! I quit it too! I hope the stress release is your key!

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