Thursday, November 13, 2014


Driving after dark is not her favorite, especially when it's raining. She had no choice. As she was driving she asked herself: Is it still Thursday?

She had her first audition in a  long while earlier in the day.  Her neighbor watched the baby so that she could go solo.  It went really well, she felt great about it, and she treated herself to a quick lunch afterward, thinking all the while: this is nice. I DO actually LIKE THIS.

The last few auditions she had had to pass on for one weak reason or another, seeing the audition come through her email filled her with anxiety and dread.  It had been so quiet lately, she took a wrangling job next week, thinking nothing would interfere with it, or be a conflict.  She thought to herself: if I get a callback from today's audition, watch it be the day I am to wrangle.  That familiar anxious feeling drifted in....

That afternoon after the "I DO Like This" audition she was teaching her weekly voice lesson and upon it's conclusion found she had 3 appointments for the next day.  3 appointments in one day is quite a juggling act.  Her mind moved swiftly: be there when Trader Joes opens, move haircut appointment to late afternoon, drop Pickle with a friend in the morning, get a sitter for the afternoon, have a friend on standby if late for school pick up. Done! Voila!

Instead of dwelling on her anxiety she tried to stay grounded and balanced and channel her energy into getting it all done.

She finally sat down for the night after 16,000 steps (thank you fitbit), when she heard the girls: "Pickle puking! Mom! Pickle! Puking!"

She ran in to find vast amounts of puke all over everything.  First she focused on baby, getting the last little heaves into the toilet, laying her quietly on a towel in the bathroom while she figured out where to start with the cleanup.

To her utter shock, amazement and appreciation Phoebe had stuffed a kleenex up both nostrils to block the smell and was stripping beds, scrubbing mattresses and picking up all the chunks.  All the pre-teen angsty nonsense of the every single day of the past months (years!) flashed before her eyes and she thought: wow, this may turn out okay in the end after all.

She had jumped in! Helped! Taken care of the situation without being asked to or bribed or bullied into doing it!  She turned her attention back to the Bug and washed her hair in the tub and got her all settled to return to slumber.

Next was texting all the people that she had set up for her day to go JUST SO.  She rearranged that plan right quick, all the while thinking: IS THIS A SIGN FROM ABOVE? Should I really remain tied to this apartment, these people, this life of mine and NOT at least TRY here and there or for ONE DAY?  She found herself reading into it when she realized the "arrive at Trader Joes when it opens" part of her plan was not to be.


Trader Joes.

Closes: 10 pm. It was 8:35. She had just enough time to stop by Duane Reade for the oscillococcinum and then to get the groceries before closing.  

During her trip she yo-yoed between elation, I-am-woman, here me roar! AND... I think I might cry right now.  Her husband was at his weekly meeting that usually went quite late, and it took everything she had NOT to call and tell him to please just come home right now so that he could help or be there for moral support or whatever.  But she didn't cry. She just filled her cart. She only bought one treat too!  She handled her emotions nicely!

But she still needed one thing more, and that was to just get it all on paper.  The question still remains: is this too hard? Should she just skip it? or does the fact that it IS hard to juggle work and family make it all worth it when there is a booking in the future?  

Honestly, she really doesn't know.

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