Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Before she even took the test, her body was betraying her with extreme fatigue and dizzy spells.  She suspected the reason why, but was quite surprised her "Grandpa" hubby and her "Grandma" self could conceive that quickly.

The day her period was due she got the strong positive test and that explained everything.  Immediately she regretted her decision as her body was hurled down into the bed and she felt fatigue and nausea that either had never existed in her before or was a very distant memory.

She had so very many days of summer staring at her in the faces of her 3 children it took everything she had each day to rise from the bed and try at a minimum to feed them and at a maximum to find adventure.  Some days she never got dressed, never made it out of the house.

She was expecting it to take a few months so that she could ease into it, mentally get ready for it, but it all happened so fast that she felt frustrated and regretful.

Then she saw her little blob on the screen at the ultrasound and she tried to focus on that future potential human person that she would carry and birth and rear.  The little baby that would bring such joy to her family.  

As she discovered ways to cope, she started warming to her current state of body.  She embraced the stretch she could feel and reluctantly embraced the love handles returning and wondered why this time she was experiencing dysgeusia but not puking... extreme fatigue, but not breast tenderness.  Every pregnancy is different.

She felt her creativity return and she decided to involve the children as they worked together to plan a special way to tell the world they would become 6.  Focusing on talents and creativity and her children became the best medicine for the pregnancy woes.

Suddenly she started feeling much better. Either she was getting used to the "8 benadryl an hour" feeling or she was actually experiencing her energy return.  She was quite thrilled with her new state of pregnancy!

She went to her 10 week midwife appointment with her 9 year old promising a possible heartbeat and excitement.  The midwife listened for quite a while trying every position she could think of to find it, but it would not be found.  She then did an internal exam and noted the uterus seemed too small and she needed a sonogram.

This is her third pregnancy with this midwife and she knows when things are good and when things are not, and she knew things were not good.

She and Lolly found their bravery and headed uptown to the sonogram.  Lolly put her head down and prayed and she tried to exercise faith in those prayers. The tech would not tell her, the radiologist would not tell her, she had to hear it straight from the midwife, further confirming what she already knew.

The surprise part was that the baby had disappeared.  Where does a baby go?  How did her little blob she met just a month ago obliterate into oblivion?  How could she not know that her baby had gone?  What happens next?

She knew she was strong enough to handle this situation if ever faced with it, but she was surprised at how many tears she had to shed to feel she could move forward.  After 3 successful pregnancies she thought she was one of those women who didn't have miscarriages, who were not genetically predisposed to miscarry or who were just meant to give birth.  

And as painful as life can be, that is why she loves life, because there are surprises around every corner.  Opportunities to grow and learn and change and exercise faith in a better tomorrow.  So just as she carefully gathers her trials into her heart, she will add this to the lot and hope that some day down the road it becomes crowded with more baby love and turns into a very distant memory.


  1. I'm so sorry about your baby. What an incredibly hard thing to experience. The baby was real and it was already a part of your family. I haven't personally experienced miscarriage, but my mom had 5 of them so I know the pain that comes from it. The last one I remember because I was a teenager... it was hard on the whole family. I hope you will all be blessed with peace.

  2. You've always been so brave and free to share your experiences which helps so many others.

  3. I am so sorry. I, too, cried my eyes dry when I had my miscarriage. I relate so much to the last few paragraphs. Thinking about you and your family right now.

  4. I've never cried as hard or as long in my life as I did when I miscarried. Now 7 years later I no longer have the intense emotion attached to it because time has faded the pain and life and memories are full of the children who ARE here. This too will come for you. And for now know that there is no time limit on when or how to mourn the loss of promise. Love you.

  5. I am sending you a big hug and heartfelt tears that I am shedding for you and your family. It must be such a deep loss, such a roller coaster of feelings you have experienced. I too hope and pray that more baby love is ahead. May you be comforted with peaceful feelings and perhaps some understanding as you mourn. I love you dearly!

  6. Awwww I'm so sorry,, honey. Just seeing this.

    What you say about how surprises are the stuff of life: that is true and deep and sometimes also very sad.

    Thinking of you.