Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Anniversary

I think it would have passed without me remembering it,  if it wasn't a Wednesday and I was thinking about Phoebe's birthday on Friday. Because 6 years ago today is when I had my seizure...and it was on a Wednesday.  I missed Mary Poppins on Friday night with Phoebe for her birthday.  It was the beginning of this next part of my life.  Everything now is before the seizure and after.

It still comes to the surface for me whenever I find myself saying: The Old Kristy would have....usually something negative.  New Kristy reacts in a more positive way.

For two years I felt like every step I took was like walking through water up to my thighs.  Everyday life was such a struggle.  There was very little joy and I felt caged in....trapped.  The meds took all my vibrating lines of thought and dialed it down to one line with very little happy buzzing.  

It's an absolute miracle that my husband stayed by my side through it all and that I stayed awake as much as I did.  Those were the days of resting my head on the table between bites and not necessarily waking up in time to do the dishes.  Those were the days of rages that I could barely control and post traumatic stress--broken foot, broken tooth--which I can only chalk up to a side effect of the meds.  

The days of full disclosure---I do not think I will have a seizure, but I have to let you know this before you let me drive your child, and them passing on letting me drive them.  The days of darkness and tears and figuring it all out.  Therapy, doctors appointments, 24-hour Alien EEG's and searching.

The days of WHY? ....and more WHY?

I got so many answers though, and I feel like the Phoenix rising from the ashes into a better realm.  

I no longer accept days like this as the norm.  I no longer need a list of accomplishments to know that I am enough. 

I tell people now that trials are just blessings concealed in gift wrap that is perhaps unexpected.  I never want to live through that again, but I wouldn't trade anything for the lessons I learned and who I am on the other side.  

Happy Anniversary to me indeed.

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