Sunday, August 31, 2014


Seeing glimpses of the grown up you. I love when you jump in and help! You have been especially great with Pickle moving into your bedroom.

Trying to help me take a nap here and there on a Sunday afternoon, making french toast for your sisters.

Seeing you away from the school environment is great--you are your true self most of these summer days!

Ideas forming in your head about who you want to be....I love hearing about your plans and dreams.

Watching you blossom is amazing.  You are changing in so many ways, on so many must be exhausting.

You did a great job vlogging on the Cali trip with Dad.

You did a great job on your first talk in Sacrament meeting. I am sorry I couldn't see it live, but I heard you did great.

Jumping into the volleyball world at school.  Hearing you talk about going from bad to better everyday has been fun.

Hearing your report of what happened at your pediatrician appointment after I was excused. This is New York, you get asked a lot of interesting questions!

Being so delightful.

Making goals for yourself that can sometimes be hard to accomplish

Your love for your sisters....and seeing you exhibit love and patience with Pickle.

Your love of family.

Thanks for coming with me to my midwife appointment and follow up sonogram.  You prayed with me, you cried with me, you were my strength. I am sorry you had to go through it, but I will never forget having you there.

You cleaned the WHOLE HOUSE for me while I was was the best present EVER...I was SO HAPPY when I did not walk into a mess.

You are so sweet and loving to your baby sis...she is so lucky to have you.

You made an involved chart about chores and housework and you are sticking to it.

You hate reading and I can see that you want to like it but you just can't.

Your excitement for school is contagious.

your language is exploding:

"Right here."

"A poo-poo a RIGHT. NOW."

"two Minutes!"

"Ready to go!"

"A call a done!" (Call you when I'm done)

"No, nigh-nigh"

You can say your sisters names SO's SO cute.

"More Pease"


"yo-yo -yo!"

"right Now."

"Give it back"

"Don't. Worry."

You are the great imitator and surprise us when you choose to repeat a phrase!

You are Miss Independent hardly caring how far from us you get, you even ran away at the Jazz Age Lawn Party---you got pretty far before we found you.

fulfilling your potential in so many ways--it is great to watch.

Opportunities that open up to you are so flattering and cool but you just want to stay here and keep building what we are building together.

Taking the girls to CALI was so special for them, I hope you had a good time.

Being excited about our future plans.

Taking care of me through the hard part of this past month.

Organizing us for the BYU football games each year is really fun.  We like cheering for your Cougars.

Through the fire...

The midwife told me my uterus was empty, so there would be nothing to pass. She said there may be some blood clots or my period would be a bit heavier.

I was grateful to spend the week coping with the news of my empty uterus and anxious to have my period so that my body could stop feeling pregnant and I could stop feeling so bloated.

I started spotting just a few days after my appointment, but nothing more than that.  Day after day I would spot and not feel anything more coming.

Late Saturday night all I wanted to do was read my book (which is so good) but I had this overwhelming urge to cook all the food, clean all the things, fold all the clothes, put away all the dishes and make sure everything was JUST SO.  Weekends are SUCH a crap shoot at my apt. I usually do this Monday morning, but something inside kept me going until I collapsed into bed.

All night I was wakened by pain in my tailbone and stomach.  Since I never have cramping before my period, it took me a second to realize this was menstrual cramps and that hopefully finally I would be having my period.

Suddenly at 6 am I felt a gush and I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for quite a while as my body became so painful.  After a few of them, I realized I was having contractions 3 minutes apart! The familiar swell and climax, the break in between...I was in labor! I was not having my period, I was having a miscarriage, minus the fetus.  

During a break from the pain I looked this up to see how long I could expect it to last. Most chat boards indicated a few hours and my favorite was when I read things like: "those who choose to have a natural miscarriage"...

My midwife did not suggest or think I was a candidate for a D & C....but I have to admit, in the future if this happens again and there IS a baby I need to pass, I think I will opt for that.  A natural miscarriage feels a LOT like natural labor only without the beautiful reward at the end.  2 hours of contractions was enough. Finally I rested.

The good news is my house is clean and there was food all ready for me to eat when I woke up from my morning recovery nap.  Everything is in order so that I can sit and nurse my new baby...I can take care of my little chickens and nurture them through their first day of school this week.

Needless to write, I am so glad that's over.  Thanks for being there for me through it all.  I found this quote today that really made me smile:

"The struggle to break out of the cocoon develops the butterfly so it can fly.  Without that adversity, the butterfly would never have the strength to achieve its destiny.  It would never develop the strength to become something extraordinary." -Joseph B Wirthlin

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Before she even took the test, her body was betraying her with extreme fatigue and dizzy spells.  She suspected the reason why, but was quite surprised her "Grandpa" hubby and her "Grandma" self could conceive that quickly.

The day her period was due she got the strong positive test and that explained everything.  Immediately she regretted her decision as her body was hurled down into the bed and she felt fatigue and nausea that either had never existed in her before or was a very distant memory.

She had so very many days of summer staring at her in the faces of her 3 children it took everything she had each day to rise from the bed and try at a minimum to feed them and at a maximum to find adventure.  Some days she never got dressed, never made it out of the house.

She was expecting it to take a few months so that she could ease into it, mentally get ready for it, but it all happened so fast that she felt frustrated and regretful.

Then she saw her little blob on the screen at the ultrasound and she tried to focus on that future potential human person that she would carry and birth and rear.  The little baby that would bring such joy to her family.  

As she discovered ways to cope, she started warming to her current state of body.  She embraced the stretch she could feel and reluctantly embraced the love handles returning and wondered why this time she was experiencing dysgeusia but not puking... extreme fatigue, but not breast tenderness.  Every pregnancy is different.

She felt her creativity return and she decided to involve the children as they worked together to plan a special way to tell the world they would become 6.  Focusing on talents and creativity and her children became the best medicine for the pregnancy woes.

Suddenly she started feeling much better. Either she was getting used to the "8 benadryl an hour" feeling or she was actually experiencing her energy return.  She was quite thrilled with her new state of pregnancy!

She went to her 10 week midwife appointment with her 9 year old promising a possible heartbeat and excitement.  The midwife listened for quite a while trying every position she could think of to find it, but it would not be found.  She then did an internal exam and noted the uterus seemed too small and she needed a sonogram.

This is her third pregnancy with this midwife and she knows when things are good and when things are not, and she knew things were not good.

She and Lolly found their bravery and headed uptown to the sonogram.  Lolly put her head down and prayed and she tried to exercise faith in those prayers. The tech would not tell her, the radiologist would not tell her, she had to hear it straight from the midwife, further confirming what she already knew.

The surprise part was that the baby had disappeared.  Where does a baby go?  How did her little blob she met just a month ago obliterate into oblivion?  How could she not know that her baby had gone?  What happens next?

She knew she was strong enough to handle this situation if ever faced with it, but she was surprised at how many tears she had to shed to feel she could move forward.  After 3 successful pregnancies she thought she was one of those women who didn't have miscarriages, who were not genetically predisposed to miscarry or who were just meant to give birth.  

And as painful as life can be, that is why she loves life, because there are surprises around every corner.  Opportunities to grow and learn and change and exercise faith in a better tomorrow.  So just as she carefully gathers her trials into her heart, she will add this to the lot and hope that some day down the road it becomes crowded with more baby love and turns into a very distant memory.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


The Posse can officially retire as New Yorkers now, we have made the Sunday NY TIMES Bill Cunningham Style section of the paper! (ROW 9)


Monday, August 18, 2014

Makeup Tutorial: TWEEN MAKEUP 101

Phoebs has been BEGGING me to wear makeup this summer. The last thing I wanted was to share makeup with my tween. There is so much of my life I share with my kids---PLEASE! Don't touch my NARS! Don't touch my MAC! Don't touch my URBAN DECAY!

I wasn't exactly sure what my plan was going to be when I entered Sephora. I just started looking around and seeing what stood out to me. I am very pleased with what I found!

This pallet is a great start and good colors and it covers FACE. I don't want her wearing foundation (nor does she need it), but she does have some dark circles under eyes which she has pointed out to me and which we actually do conceal for family photos and school photos, so concealer is a good beginning.

A few less expensive options to look into: 

For the eyes I did not want to buy brushes or teach her about blending and making good choices about eye shadow placement.  I am not a fan of BLACK EYELINER which is so often the first and only thing girls wear (WHY????) A product I have come to like simply on it's on and doesn't require any tools, is the Sephora Jumbo Liner.  I got her the color Beige.  She can apply it to her whole lid and blend it in for a nice subtle sheen.

Less expensive alternative:

Mascara can also go horribly wrong when you are a tween, so I opted for a simple brown mascara so that we can begin easily and subtly.

Less Expensive option: Any Maybelline mascara in brown.

Finally to finish the look a little lip shine.  As a little tribute to my Mom, who took me to the Clinique counter at Marshall Fields for my first makeup experience, I threw in a little Clinique lip balm--the SUBTLEST of shades in Budding Blossom. I am pretty sure I called it Bubbling Blossom on the video--whoops.

Chubby Stick Baby Tint Moisturizing Lip Balm

So, whattya think of the end result?

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Jazz Age Lawn Party

Ever since I became aware of this event I have wanted to go! I bought my tickets MONTHS ago and had them tacked to my vision board. This past weekend we DID IT! We went to the Jazz Age Lawn Party on Governor's Island!

This little guy was running adorbz.

Pickle was obsessed with her "lella" and has all these little scratches on her legs where the wooden ribbing got her.

Our friend Bill was there!  He appeared RIGHT as we got there and then took our pic as a family when we were perched on a moon and again got one of Pickle as SHE was taking a picture of the dance instructors. You can just see his bright blue jacket in the left side of the frame of our video at 5:52.  He liked Pickle.

These two! They brought a whole seaside theme set up and were their own little Photo Booth. They need their own hashtag.

I love how it all turned out--our outfits, quilt, wagon, the company, the WEATHER, the dancing! It was such a great day to spend as a family!

I even managed to snag this guy for a little time with US!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

To Jason

The past 10 months have been very intense for my main squeeze.  He hardly has a second to even contemplate his own needs.  He is everything to so many people, it is truly a miracle that he can do it all.

Work has changed a bit and so he is traveling more.  Last Saturday one of his church secretaries asked me if he had left yet and I was like: "Excuse me, what now?" Because even though he does tell me (and sometimes just THINKS he did), I don't always retain the information and I literally had not been gearing up for the fact that he was leaving for a WEEK in a matter of hours.


So the one good thing is....I don't have to worry about cooking vegan for a week---that is all.

Even though he isn't around that much, and sometimes I don't even see him in the morning when he leaves so early or at night when he goes to bed before me, I still miss him when he is gone.

Thankfully I have been blessed with a sense of strength and independence and I can do THIS while he is doing THAT.  And in a way, our relationship has always been that way, so it hasn't been a huge shift for us.

I would like the girls to know that he goes to church, and so in a rare moment when he happened to be at our congregation, he brought Pickle to her class. I had to snap a little photo of that rare occurence.

We have received so many blessings as a family because of Jason's dedication and service.  I would never trade our life for another, but I do know one day I will look back and be in awe that we made it through.