Sunday, April 12, 2015

In which we lose our daughter in Central Park

Carrie and her crew ran an unbelievable amount of miles for a few days in a van and sparkly attire and raised a bunch of $$ for Rett Syndrome.  It was inspiring and amazing and I did my very small little part by organizing a mini 5k for my birthday weekend.  Here we are getting ready to run:

I had NOT run in weeks. I had not run up to 4 miles since the December half marathon from hell.  Running at a nice and slow pace was no IT band problem is STILL THERE which is very annoying.  At the conclusion of our 5k we realized no one had Lolly.  She had run ahead of us but had never caught up with Jason and I suspected instead of making a sharp left turn at 72nd street to run our loop route, that she had continued north on the east side of the park.

Jason did another loop and we ate the donuts I promised everyone. When he got back and realized we were lounging and she was still missing, he was a LOT upset. We then decided to split up and look for her.  Jason had left his phone in the car and mine is NOT reliable lately but I gave it to him anyway.

I felt frustrated by the distance I had to cover and my lack of wheels. I started flagging down people on wheels telling me my daughter was missing and where to send her when they found her. I did not panic or feel scared. Concerned yes.

I finally decided I needed a bike. I was headed over to the bike rentals to talk myself into a bike (as I had no money or collateral), when a cop car drove by.  I waved them down and together we started looking for her.  We circled the entire running route while they asked me questions like:

Is she of sound mental and emotional state?
Would she ask someone for help?
Would she go to her school?
Would she go to a playground?

I knew all she was doing was praying.  

I spotted her walking north on the WEST side of the park around 105th street.  The park ends at 110th street on the northside.  Our route was on the south side 72nd street to 59th street. She was not even close to where we were running.  She got in the car looked at me flashing her dimple with a very sheepish expression and asked: Were you panicking?

I asked: Officers? Was I panicking? They confirmed I was not.

Were you?


Then the officers asked her a few questions:
Do you know your mom's phone number?
Recited it.
Did you think to ask an officer?
There were none.
Did you think to ask someone else for help?
Point Taken.

She then said she prayed about 4 times and I shared that with the officers and they thought that was good, but perhaps not enough.

All's well that ends well.  We found her. I knew we would.  We learned a lot and we had about an hour of thinking just how empty our lives would be without her.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015


I turned 36! I have to say I feel that I have aged a lot this past year.  I think part of it is because of the miscarriage. I feel like it took a toll on my body and I haven't quite gotten back to a place that I want to be in that department.  In general I have had a low level of depression most of the winter and that takes it's toll too.  I am trying to feel renewed and refreshed and ready to get ready for turning that corner to 40, but I also feel completely stuck in the 2-week cycle of TTC. Now that I am officially infertile (It's 6 months of no baby when you are AMA)--I know all the abbreviations.

TTC - Trying to Conceive
AMA-advanced maternal age

And did you know this one?

TTC after VR

WHAT? People are vlogging about TTC after a vasectomy reversal! That is mind blowing.
I digress.

I have also had all of my attention focused on making good decisions about the house we are building. This is such a blessing in our lives but adds a level of stress that crowds my mind.  I feel a bit like a hamster in his wheel runner (yes I had to look up what it was called), stuck in a place of waiting and wondering.  I am ready to form an action plan (namely healthy habits and preparing for my future), but I can't until I know if I am going to be a mother once again.

All of this aside, I recognize the tremendous blessings in my life. I have the most interesting and beautiful daughters. I have the most dedicated and loyal husband.  I have health and happiness, energy, beauty, faith and a lot of hair.  I feel honored to have been given 36 years here so far, and I so very much hope I get at least that many more.

Best birthday gift ever:

Monday, April 6, 2015

Easter Weekend

Easter Weekend was spent on a quick road trip to DC! Our family lives there now and it is SO EASY to get there from NYC! The kids had a great time dying Easter Eggs and seeing the beautiful monuments of our nation's capitol.

Lucky for us Kelly and her family were in town from Cali so we got to sing karaoke together!

Preparing Easter Dinner was COMPLETE chaos but we managed to avoid the over-salted deviled egg filling before it was piped into each egg and I NAILED the gravy! Delicious.

The older Ava gets the more I think she looks like one of my kids!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

This is big

We have had our sights set on a change for our family for many years.  As we have watched the real estate market in our neighborhood explode, we have been torn about what to do with out growing family.  When I was growing u, over time family's would grow and Dad's jobs would go well and my friends and our family would upgrade to a bigger and better living situation.  Here in our neighborhood, we have basically been priced out of an upgrade.  To get just 500 more square feet of space in the sky would be a big stretch.  

We have been talking and planning and saving for years and finally decided to obtain a second property.  We found an awesome house last summer and went through weeks and months of negotiating a price.  After I attended the inspection I decided we needed to ultimately pass on the house.  There were a host of problems that our untrained eyes could not see upon visiting the home.  

We were disappointed but kept our feelers out. We have visited many homes and nothing felt right. One day I was paging through a magazine and saw a tiny ad that caught my eye. I knew this was it.  We got in touch with the builder and miraculously he had land in the exact town that we had been wanting to settle, in the exact amount of acres.  We have been working together since last August to build our retreat.  

It will be built in phases. Phase 1 is nearing completion and we should be able to move in next month!  Phase 2 will b next spring if we decide to move forward with a pool and phase 3 the next spring when we build a barn that is a garage and a small 2 bedroom "apartment" on floor 2.  Our hopes is to fill it with family as it stands now and as our daughters grow and have their own families. It is right around the corner!  

If we ever move up there full time I would love to have a few animals....and a party barn with a roller skating rink is my absolute dream--roller skating and chickens---I mean....come on.  But for now I am over the moon and over joyed and overwhelmed that we have been blessed to have this in our life.  I think it will benefit my children so much.  I am happy to be stepping out of the house vortex that has been my life this entire winter. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent in front of this computer trying to tell the difference between one toilet, oven, handle pull, wallpaper, paint color, yadda yadda and another.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and actually it's a house in the forest!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

my loves

When I tuck you in, you grab me and say: I'm NOT gonna letchoo go!

P: (holding a jar of honey) What's this?
ME: Honey
P: yes?
ME: No, I'm not calling you honey, it's honey.
P: What Mom?
...It was a serious bona fide WHOSE ON FIRST moment.

your language continues to be very fun to watch develop---the way you say chocolate chip - chockit chwit

After watching an episode of Dinosaur Train about mother's Day, she yelled across the room: "Happy MuhVers Day Hon!"

constantly holding something behind your back and approaching us with: I don't HAVE anyFing

I love when you and your sisters play and giggle. You ADORE them.

You knew we were leaving and knew you had just boycotted your nap, and brought me the ergo and asked if you could take a nap in it. Still my baby

I love your use of the word yarbomb and knitting.   You get it.

You and Darby were playing around, and you were smacking each other playfully. She ran away and I said: Go get her, and you asked: "with a knife?" in a devilish whisper.  (should I be concerned?)

While playing pretend ice cream, you handed me a cone and said: Enjoy yourself!

Your UTTER excitement when Doc McStuffins comes on.

you love putting your hand on my cheek.

you love our new book called KNIT TOGETHER.


you became a teenager this month.   

I loved planning surprises for you for your birthday. I was originally going to let the birthdays pass by as very low key due to budget restraints, but when I figured out I could make your day special for just a few hundred dollars, I went for it and I am so glad I did.  Your face when you opened the skateboard and your tears when your friends surprised you was PRICELESS

I LOVED your reaction when Lucy walked through the door. You are officially my FAVORITE person to surprise!

ON a shopping spree you came back with aviator sunglasses and a tiny little Gus-Gus mouse bean bag a la Disney Cinderella. Still a little tween in there.


"my style is like adventure style. My best colors are grey, blue and green.  When I wear those colors my eyes look like those colors, which isn't always the case with someone with blue eyes.  I really want to get better at putting stylish outfits together, and I want my style to be different from my older sisters style."

lately you have been talking a lot about activism--for civil rights and elephants and on and on---your teacher has a very strong influence on you in this regard.

your flute playing is really improving and it's fun to see how good you are becoming.

Your stress levels are cray cray---watching you navigate life is pretty fun.

while trying to get the printer to work: Pickle! So far I have found 2 pens and a key in this printer!

thanks for taking care of me when I got so sick.

thanks for working so hard for everyone. you are the most selfless person I know.